A Lemony Surprise

This is a story written by Eva called

A Lemony Surprise

Once there was a boy named Joe. Joe liked lemons. One day, he was eating a lemon. Then all of a sudden, poof, he saw the biggest lemon ever, taller than Abraham Lincoln in his hat, wider than a house! He crept closer to it, then he licked it and then poof! A door appeared! He crept inside and oh no, the door closed on him. He went in a little more, and then more, and more, and more.
.
Suddenly, he saw a giant...
.
a giant...
.
a giant SEED!

Whough!" said Joe while he tried to get around it, under it, over it, he even punched it. Then he licked it. A little door appeared again.

"How strange." said Joe.

He crawled, and acrawled, and crawled, then he saw..
a..
a...
a...
a...giant...deer!
.
It was huge, about sixteen feet tall and eight feet wide! It was bigger than his car! (His car was giant.) He turned back, he saw the seed then licked it quickly, nothing happened. He licked it again, again, and again. Nothing happened. He went through the deers legs then gasped as he saw...
His missing grampa in his pink pajamas! It felt like his eyes were popping out at that sight. he quickly grabbed his sleeping grampa and hurried through the deers legs but before he could get through all the way the deer caught his foot. Joe screamed.
.
"Arghhh!"
.
The deer said, "Hey, what are you screaming for? I just wanted you to have some tea with me and Santa!"
.
"What?" Joe asked. "You can talk?"
.
Then he realized that it wasn't a deer it was a reindeer, Rudolph.
Just then he remembered his glasses. He put them on and saw that it had a red nose!
.
"Wow!" said Joe. "I got so worried, I forgot my glasses."
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Santa came along and said, "Well, well, well, if it isn't little Joe. Come sit with us."
.
By the time they got to the table he said, "We got your grandfather to come in but as you can see he fell asleep."
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"Oh." said Joe. "Can I call my mom and tell her where I am?"
.
"Sure." said Santa.

.

I don't know if this is a finished piece.

I would love to see illustrations for this novel.

I'll ask her to do that.

I'm pretty sure that she made this story up as she went along.

I'm guessing there wasn't much planning involved.

But it's sure full of excitement and suspense.

That Joe sure has quite a life.

I think it's going to be a best seller.

I

The Homework Contract

School days, school days, here for Golden Rule days...

readin' and writin' and 'rith ma tic...

I think this song came out when my Grandmother was little, or maybe my mom. I had a little 45 vinyl of it and played it on my little white and orange record player.

Remember it? I can't remember who sang it, I'm sure she's long gone by now.

Don't remember? Neither do I.

Big Daddy and I were very excited for the return of the new school year.

Yeah hoo!!!

We were equally reminiscent of the "homework time gone bad" of last school year.

Boo!!! Hiss!!!

It was horrendous. The whining, the flopping on the floor, the broken pencils and broken spirits. I mean how could anyone have to sit down and dutifully complete what would be fifteen minutes of work that has now stretched to an HOUR due to all the fussing of

I DONT WANNA DO IT!!!

And I'm like,

"Come on Brant, just sit down with them and help out a little, is that too much to ask?"

And on top of that...

Homework efforts by a certain short boy in the household, the one who likes to play guitar hero and skate board all over creation, let's say was less than enthused.

There was no drive for the spelling words.

Zero eagerness for the math word problems. (But I couldn't blame him there. Those are lame.)

And exhaustion crept when needed to complete comprehension questions.

On the other hand, his twin, our sweet little Eva Peanut Pie excelled in this catergory.

I'm not bragging.

I'm just saying.

She always had her ducks in a row.

Most of the time she finished her homework before her brother was finished with his whining about his homework.

Needless to say, I wanted to eleviate this little issue before it became, well, an issue.

I made it my Homework Mission.

I scoured the internet for all of ten minutes and came up with an idea,

a workable plan,

an agreement that would make everyone happy.

This could make homework time manageable, dare I even say

pleasant.

THE HOMEWORK CONTRACT.

duh duh duhhhhhh.....

Well darn it. It didn't come out clear. It basically says:

Parent
- Provide well-lit, quiet place to study
- Provide correct supplies such as pencils, erasers and fresh paper

Student
-Will know what homework is needed to be worked on
-Will do work quietly and completely

Then...

Homework will be done between the hours of 6:30 and 7:30 in the evening. If you finish early or do not have homework then you may read or write quietly during homework hours.

For each day that homework is carried out correctly and responsibly one star per child will be earned upon his or her respective calender.

When four stars are achieved during the duration of one week period, a reward will be givin on that friday of the week.

Rewards include but are not limited to: two dollars, a trip to dollar store, trip to Blockbuster and choice of one movie, trip to skate park, ice cream store, or pizza night.

I thought I was clever.
I still think I'm clever.

The girls are following the contract to earn a reward.
Joey is NOT following the contract to NOT earn a reward.

(He is teasing the dog with his ice cream right now.)

He's a notta gonna lika Fridaya!

(Oh well, he's in the midst of learning the power of choice and how it will affect his life.)

SO anyway, shortly after coming up with the contract, reading it over with each child individually, including Sophie, each one agreed to sign the contract. They were then, one by one, instructed to take the contract to Daddy whereupon Daddy would read and sign the contract as well.

Eva was way on board.

Hmmm, the wheels were turning...she wanted MORE rewards.

She wanted MORE stars.

So she came up with this contract of her own, which I happily signed.

If you can't read it, it says:

DO you agree that you should

give us a star for at least 3

chores that we do__________ sign here____________________

Thank you.

Like mother like daughter...

.
The moral of the story?

.

Kids are ALWAYS

learning, watching and imitating

what those they look up to are

doing, saying and creating.

.

So make it good! Or at least try to.

Good, Bad and Worse News

I was finishing cleaning up the kitchen after a delicious dinner of stuffed tilapia, chopped salad and rustic garlic infused bread. If I had closed my eyes and tuned out the talk regarding:

1.) playing chicken at the pool

2.) spilling lemonade all over the car

3.) finding a worm on the sidewalk

.

I would have been right there at The Bonefish Grill, soft music, nice glass of pinot...

not washing dishes...

which I was currently doing.

Big Daddy comes up from the basement and says:

Gretchen? I have bad news and worse news.

Okaaay, I say slowly. I follow him back down to the basement.

"The bad news is that one of the cats threw up here on the floor."

I will admit that I saw the puke earlier that day and vowed to clean it up later.

So no surprise to me.

What else you got?

The worse news is back here. I walk down the little bar hallway. Geez, we SO need to get some barstools and a fridge down here. This space would be SO much more utilized. Big Daddy's reasoning... why spend the money on barstools? We never use the bar! My reasoning...Well maybe we would use the bar if we had barstools and conveniently placed icy cold beverages.

Anyway, I pass the bar area into the spare bedroom/craft room. This room has two twin beds, an old dresser- hense the bedroom part. AND it has the old kitchen table I used to eat from as a child as a craft table and a closet full of paints, canvas, and scrapbooking stuff, hense the craft room.

Now that that's clear...

.

I walk in and see that someone has been painting, and I use that term loosely.

.

There are r a i n b o w paint dappled paper towels strewn about the room, ALL over the room.

There are 1/2 empty paint bottles laying on the floor, leaving colored paint rings on the carpet.

There are paint soaked brushes on the table, on the floor, on the bed.

My canvas painting paper, EXPENSIVE, canvas paper, about six or more sheets, painted, lying all over the place.

Paper plates have paint POURED onto them creating a goupy soupy pretty colored mess. MY paints, UNUSED and WASTED now.

.

.

I see the rest of the family...

.

1.)Brant has side-stepped to a position where he is between me and the door. Actually, he's in the doorway ready to flee to safety should fire shoot out of my mouth.

.

2.)Eva is standing there, in a school dress splotched with paint, big teary eyes, sullen face with guilty written all over it. I scan down, she's got paint all over her legs and arms as well.

.

3.)Sophie is tucked under the table on all fours in the tornado drill position with her hands over her head as if a huge gust of windy storm will go flying through this room at any second.

.

4.)Joey is in the tv room, playing Guitar Hero, oblivious to the severity of the situation in the other room.

But this isn't the worst of it.

.

Oh no.

.

So far, this is all fixable.

.

Handle-able.

.

Cleanable.

.

Until I see this...

.

On the floor, under the table, by Sophie's tucked knee there is a black hole forming through the carpet. On closer inspection, it's not a black hole, it's paint... black paint.

You know those ketchup packets you get from McDonalds?

It looks as if two of those packets,

full of black paint

were pooped on the floor.

And then someone took a paper towel, in effort to "clean it up," spread it about fifteen inches long and four inches wide.

.

BLACK PAINT HOLE!

.

I know, right?

.

Infuriating...

.

Right there by Sophie and her perfect tornado drill tuck.

(Where'd she learn that anyway?)

.

There is silence...

.

Everyone is waiting for the wrath of Mommy Monster to stomp down shaking the ground while all the items go crashing off the dresser.

.

Deep breath.

.

THINK.

.

Will this incident matter six months from now? Will this alter my life in a negative way? It's just carpet, top of the line, mint conditioned sculpted carpet, mind you... Well- not anymore anyway. I can see that everyone in this room is shaking in their boots waiting, with abated breath.

..

.

Don't freak out don't freak out don't freak out don't freak out don't freak out.

.

STAY CALM!

.

I transform into an ER surgeon with a patient about to die.

.

BRANT! Go get the blue bucket 1/2 way filled with water and a scoop of OxyClean.

STAT!

EVA! Get a trash bag and pick up all the paper towels, brushes, random paint accessories.

STAT!

SOPHIE! Get off the floor! SNAP OUT OF IT! If she was near I would have had my hands on her shoulders. It's gonna be okay! Help Eva!

.

Everyone scurries off to fulfill the given duty.

.

Brant!

I yell, my voice reaching upstairs...

GET THE STEAM CLEANER!

.

A couple hours later the paint is 98% out of the carpet, both the black hole and the random bits of color around the black hole.

.

Just as I'm wrapping up the steam cleaner cord,

wiping the sweat off my brow,

Brant comes in carrying our puppy Lola.

.

He says, "We have good news and bad news."

.

Great. What now?

.

The good news is that the cat puke is cleaned up.

.

"Super," I nod. And the bad news???

.

The bad news is that Lola ate it!

.

Sigh....

.

Just another day at the Schneider shack.

She's eight!

Eva is now eight years and and four days old! Can you believe it?


Eight I tell you!


Let's see, my top five favorite things about Eva are:


5.) When a kid goes to McDonalds and orders a salad? You know you've done
something right as a mom. Yes, Eva is a healthy eater. She loves them 'maters 'specially.
Her fave right now--- vanilla yogurt and frozen blueberries.



4.) She is the messiest artist I know. She has scraps and clippings and crayons and pastels and
tape, glue, scissors, you name it---all over her desk, floor, walls, her arms and face too
sometimes.

3.) Within her wardrobe, she likes to be monotone...All red from head to toe, all blue from
head to toe. She's wearing right now, and it's the cutest ever, her black baggy karate
pants and black tank top.


2.) She has a newfound love for dogs. She wants pictures of them, doggy stuffed animals, she
draws them, colors them and names them Bill. I mean...uh
really she loves them, especially her new pup.

And the number one favorite thing about Eva is!!!-------!

1.) She GETS it! She hears the sarcasm. She knows when we appease. She feels it when we're

skipping around a subject. She's eight and she calls us out. I've said before, she's a wise soul.

(Now that I mention her new pup...here are the girls chillin out on the couch.)

Eva's reading her new book that Grama gave her.

Lola's sacked out.

Really, there are lots of fave things and many reasons why I love Eva.

Is it her sweet disposition or her soft spoken voice?

Is it her cute little beauty mark centered on her chin?

Could it be her love of art and writing?

Speaking of...maybe it's the time she takes to create cards and letters expressing her feelings for her loved ones.

Her love of learning?

As I'm sure you can guess, it's all these reasons.

Eva is ALL that and a bag of chips, with a dollop of whipped cream and a cherry on top. She's the rainbow of sprinkles that brighten it all too.

My sweet Eva Peanut Pie

Happy Eighth Birthday!

True Story

This is a love story written by my favorite Peanut Pie.

Here is the back cover to grab your attention. It says

Will Princess Gretchen ever marry a handsome prince? You're gonna find out...

And then she decorated with some blue glitter glue that I bought for her that day.

Big D and I had gone out for dinner this particular night when this story was brought to life.
She usually doesn't embellish with color.


So this is a real treat.


This is the title page.


Gretchen and Brant

And there we are in our
royal purple clothes and
royal purple crowns.

The first page reads:

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful princess.

She had tons of beautiful dresses.

Her name is Gretchen.

And there I am in one of my beautiful dresses and princess crown with stars shining behind me. Oh and don't miss the puffy sleeves, or are those shoulder pads?

One day she was in her castle brushing her hair and singing.

Because this is how you can usually find me on a typical day. I spend anywhere from two to four hours singing love songs while brushing my hair, One hundred strokes on each side. Repeat several times. In. my. beautiful. dress.

And a handsome prince came galloping by on his horse and heard her singing. His name was Brant.

In real life it was a motorcycle but I guess that wouldn't fit the story too well.

He followed the voice to a nearby castle. He went up the stairs. (There was a front door but he didn't use it.)

You can see the tall brown castle below with all the stairs. Eva also informed me that there was an elevator right there too. Silly Prince walking all those stairs when he could have just used the front door and elevator! I mean shouldn't he have seen the big black arrow pointing to the front door? It's right there, plain as day. Geez.

Back in the day, I used to live on the fourth floor of an apartment. Lots of stairs, I'm sure Eva had this in mind while writing.

And the minute he saw her, they were deeply in love.

There really was a giant pink heart in the background when we first fell in love. Quite strange how that suddenly appeared really.

And there's a close up of our beaming smiles and crinkly eyes. Big Daddy's heart is about to beat right out of his chest.

They married each other. And lived happily ever after.

And look, there's my bouquet of flowers from the wedding.

This last page was an afterthought and wasn't written into the original story.

Then, get this, THREE months later she had THREE children and they loved them with all their hearts.

And named them Joey, Eva and Sophia.

There is a calender of February, the month this book was written.

There are the three kids we so quickly had.

Joey has...

Joey has a monkey...

on his head.

Right? This is normal! Really.

Eva is holding one of her masterpieces.

Sophie is holding a baby doll.

So there you have it. The story of how Brant and I fell in love and had our children

Through the eyes of Peanut Pie.

(She's the best.)

All About Joey

Eva has been writing stories lately. You know the kind you did when you were a kid. You take three or four pages stacked, and fold them down the middle and wha laa, you have a cute little book! Here is a book about one of her favorite people in the whole world. Her twin brother Joey.

There are about ten pages to this book but I just highlighted a few of my favorite pages.

Here is the title page.

All About Joey

And there's Joey, arms in air again, smile on his face with that long hair.

As you can see, there is a lizard on his shirt. If Eva had colored this book, his shirt would be green.

Joey has this lizard T shirt and he wears it on a regular basis.







This page says,

"My brother is shie in school but he talks a little."

Well ladies and gentlemen, she hit the nail on the head with this one!

The times I've come to the classroom to do Mystery Reader or bring cupcakes to the Valentine's Day party, Joey really is shy at school.

It's quite a shocker for me to see him so quiet considering at home is loud, aggressive, running and crazy. From school to home he is like Jekel and Hyde.

And that look on his face in this picture is just priceless. Joey sitting at his desk, head cocked to the side, bland stare, cute little glasses. Eva really gets it right on this one.

And the next favorite page here says,


"My brother does not like taking baths. but he does not want to get out when he's done."


Now hmmm....where has she heard this before?
Oh I don't know, maybe from her mama?
I don't know how many times I've said to my children,
"Ya hate to get in and ya hate to get out!"









And finally, the icing on the cake!


"But best of all he loves his family."

And there we all are, from left to right we have Daddy, Mommy, and then Joey with the star behind him because he is the main character in this book, and then the famous author of this best selling book in the household, Eva, and finally little Sophia.





SO! There you have it, yet another great installment inspired by one of MY favorite people in the world, writing about one of HER favorite peeps in the world!

Love note to Mommy

Sorry I didn't take the picture of this note, download it, upload it, tweak it, add image etc...
But here goes...

Dear Mommy,
You are the best mom ever.
You take care of children really well.
(She uses well instead of good! That makes me swell with pride. Doesn't she write well?)
You should be a babysitter too. instead of being just a mom!
from,
Eva