1.) playing chicken at the pool
2.) spilling lemonade all over the car
3.) finding a worm on the sidewalk
.
I would have been right there at The Bonefish Grill, soft music, nice glass of pinot...
not washing dishes...
which I was currently doing.
Big Daddy comes up from the basement and says:
Gretchen? I have bad news and worse news.
Okaaay, I say slowly. I follow him back down to the basement.
"The bad news is that one of the cats threw up here on the floor."
I will admit that I saw the puke earlier that day and vowed to clean it up later.
So no surprise to me.
What else you got?
The worse news is back here. I walk down the little bar hallway. Geez, we SO need to get some barstools and a fridge down here. This space would be SO much more utilized. Big Daddy's reasoning... why spend the money on barstools? We never use the bar! My reasoning...Well maybe we would use the bar if we had barstools and conveniently placed icy cold beverages.
Anyway, I pass the bar area into the spare bedroom/craft room. This room has two twin beds, an old dresser- hense the bedroom part. AND it has the old kitchen table I used to eat from as a child as a craft table and a closet full of paints, canvas, and scrapbooking stuff, hense the craft room.
Now that that's clear...
.
I walk in and see that someone has been painting, and I use that term loosely.
.
There are r a i n b o w paint dappled paper towels strewn about the room, ALL over the room.
There are 1/2 empty paint bottles laying on the floor, leaving colored paint rings on the carpet.
There are paint soaked brushes on the table, on the floor, on the bed.
My canvas painting paper, EXPENSIVE, canvas paper, about six or more sheets, painted, lying all over the place.
Paper plates have paint POURED onto them creating a goupy soupy pretty colored mess. MY paints, UNUSED and WASTED now.
.
.
I see the rest of the family...
.
1.)Brant has side-stepped to a position where he is between me and the door. Actually, he's in the doorway ready to flee to safety should fire shoot out of my mouth.
.
2.)Eva is standing there, in a school dress splotched with paint, big teary eyes, sullen face with guilty written all over it. I scan down, she's got paint all over her legs and arms as well.
.
3.)Sophie is tucked under the table on all fours in the tornado drill position with her hands over her head as if a huge gust of windy storm will go flying through this room at any second.
.
4.)Joey is in the tv room, playing Guitar Hero, oblivious to the severity of the situation in the other room.
But this isn't the worst of it.
.
Oh no.
.
So far, this is all fixable.
.
Handle-able.
.
Cleanable.
.
Until I see this...
.
On the floor, under the table, by Sophie's tucked knee there is a black hole forming through the carpet. On closer inspection, it's not a black hole, it's paint... black paint.
You know those ketchup packets you get from McDonalds?
It looks as if two of those packets,
full of black paint
were pooped on the floor.
And then someone took a paper towel, in effort to "clean it up," spread it about fifteen inches long and four inches wide.
.
BLACK PAINT HOLE!
.
I know, right?
.
Infuriating...
.
Right there by Sophie and her perfect tornado drill tuck.
(Where'd she learn that anyway?)
.
There is silence...
.
Everyone is waiting for the wrath of Mommy Monster to stomp down shaking the ground while all the items go crashing off the dresser.
.
Deep breath.
.
THINK.
.
Will this incident matter six months from now? Will this alter my life in a negative way? It's just carpet, top of the line, mint conditioned sculpted carpet, mind you... Well- not anymore anyway. I can see that everyone in this room is shaking in their boots waiting, with abated breath.
..
.
Don't freak out don't freak out don't freak out don't freak out don't freak out.
.
STAY CALM!
.
I transform into an ER surgeon with a patient about to die.
.
BRANT! Go get the blue bucket 1/2 way filled with water and a scoop of OxyClean.
STAT!
EVA! Get a trash bag and pick up all the paper towels, brushes, random paint accessories.
STAT!
SOPHIE! Get off the floor! SNAP OUT OF IT! If she was near I would have had my hands on her shoulders. It's gonna be okay! Help Eva!
.
Everyone scurries off to fulfill the given duty.
.
Brant!
I yell, my voice reaching upstairs...
GET THE STEAM CLEANER!
.
A couple hours later the paint is 98% out of the carpet, both the black hole and the random bits of color around the black hole.
.
Just as I'm wrapping up the steam cleaner cord,
wiping the sweat off my brow,
Brant comes in carrying our puppy Lola.
.
He says, "We have good news and bad news."
.
Great. What now?
.
The good news is that the cat puke is cleaned up.
.
"Super," I nod. And the bad news???
.
The bad news is that Lola ate it!
.
Sigh....
.
Just another day at the Schneider shack.
